you are the one ii love

welcome 2009

2008-12-31T20:42:00.001-08:00

HAppy 2009!!!!Happy new year. New year new beginning. Hope that in the year 2009 everything will be smooth -sailing. my family to be healthy. my relationship with hubby to be long-lasting and we will have happiness. I will earn lots of money. I will go back to school. =)
I really hope that everything will be better.

A summary of 2008.
2008 has been really tough. so many things that i have gone thru. In Jan , Feb , March, April i was still attending school. Due to my playfulness and absence in school. I withdrawn from schol and wanted to take private Os. But who knows the registration is closed. so i just worked for hubby. Til august there were no more guys and hubby decided to let go of his business. There after our lives seem to change. I was jobless for three months. evryday was jus wasting my life. Finally in Novemember i went to work in starhub. i was working in their call centres. It was a different experience. Evrything was brand new, new colleague. new workign habits. i cant be as wildful as i am when im working for hubby anymore... Everything seem to change, so much things have changed. For my relationship, everything has just been like a roller coaster. There are times we felt really happy. and blissed. There are times we jus felt like letting go. We have been thru so much so much. we almost blew this relationship off. Yet we managed to hold on. Jus wanna tell u hubby i love you very much.

alrights(; happy 2009!!!!!!!

2008-11-18T20:40:00.000-08:00

crap. im working now. Im so bored. Having training at starhub. Faintz. Im so tired these few days. Not used to the working life can. FRiends, better dun call 1633 and disturb me. haha...
ehhs not used to this kind of enviroment. To me this sucks man. Haha i dun think i wil stay here for long, jus working for the sake of fun. CAuse wanna like try out a new working enviroment.
Okays im really sleepy and tired. Cool shit yeah. 2 hrs long lunch. BUt tiring sia. HAve to travel all the way to ayer rajah. Its damn taxing. ANyway i want to make alot of Money! Jus Like Last time. Hmm, anyway i will only support one man!! person to work for. If he wana make a comeback, i wil be the first to support him again. crap. Shit I dun know wad the else am i blogging . IM BORED>BYE

2008-11-07T00:01:00.001-08:00

I THOUGHT U WILL TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IM GOING THRU. I THOUGHT U WILL SHARE MY FEELINGS. I THOUGHT U WILL PUT IN MORE EFFORT TO HEAL MY WOUND. BUT NO. YOU DIDNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KILL ME MAN!I CANNOT BEAR THIS HURT ANYMORE. IM GOING BONKERS!!!!!!

2008-11-06T23:19:00.000-08:00

recently so many things happen and i changed alot. The perception i have towards this relationship has changed tremendously. I no longer feel the same way i used to. My heart feels so cold. I can no longer feel warmth anymore. I know I'm no longer as cheerful and nice to him. but what can i do, He has caused me tO feel so in balanced. I get angry easily, flare up easily because i feel no matter what he do is never enough to make up for the hurt he caused me. We have been together for so long, he has hurt me too many times, this time round is the final verdict. I can no longer be hurt anymore, for i wont be able to take it. These few days i hasn't been happy. I got to put up a strong front to show its not hurting me so bad. But the thing is its hurting me real bad. The reason why it hurt so much is not because the action is the main thing.But the principle behind it. I cannot stand my boyfriend betraying me, moreover. before that i have been trying to do my part. After so much this is what i get. these few morning i wake up with a heavy feeling.Usually when i wake up, the first thing i wanna hear is his voice. But this morning i hesitated. I refrain myself to do so. But after an hour or so, i still called. cause no matter how much i am angry with him, i had the urge to knw what he is doing, i refrain myself from doing alot of things, like being vry nice to him, like being understanding towards him. I show him attitude because i feel vry angry with him , till date. I cannot believe the one i love would deliberately hurt me. Im so afraid that all this promises he made are jus empty talks. IT will probably fade away after a while. Im so afraid cos despite the promises , i stil feel that he has many other priorities before me. What can i do , the hurt is done. It has damaged my feelings, it has once again made me feel how vulnerable i am. Our relationship was alrights. but he had to cause this R/S damaged. Im so tired to move on, how i wished i can be like myself again, I always have a feeling. Sometime i feel so blissed with him, some times i feel so pathetic. Right now, im writing this, tears jus flow down my eyes. the pain feels like a thousand needles poking thru my heart. I have not feel so upset for so many days le. I usually get over things real fast, like usually when we quarrel, i'll be fine after 24 hours or even lesser. But three days has pass, i still feel i cannot cope with my feelings. Or the way i feel, i have become so irrational. 说好的幸福呢，我心好痛 why do u have to torture me time and time again. Help me get through this rough patch as soon as can, perhaps time can heal all wounds. But for now, it really gonna hurt real bad. was i happier w/o you? i Really have no idea. I wish somebody could take me away from all this sufferings.

2008-11-04T04:08:00.000-08:00

i swear i wont cry, even as tears fill my eyes. My heart hurts real bad. Much as i would like to forgive you. I really dont knw why. The reason that holding me back because i dun wish to be hurt anymore. Im really very upset. the pain is excruciating. do you really care for me? Do you really love me?Do you really care for this relationship. If you care for me, why in the first place you wanna hurt me?
I have never feel so badly hurt. Usually after a while, i tend to get things over vry fast. but now, my heart still feel so heavy and painful. I really dun knw wad to do anymore. I so stupid to cry for you time and time again. I wish i could be stronger. Eveerytime i blog it shows how unhappy i am. Im so sad and unhappy. Tell me what can i do. I really dun knw hw already. CAn some one teach me what to do. IM REALLY VRY UNH APPY!IM FEELING SO FUCKED UP!!! I jus dun wan to be hurt anymore. I dun wish to be unhappy anymore. am i really so lousy? and inferior. I begining tO lOse faith in our relationship.

2008-10-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

Come on man. Why dOnt u check on ur own attitude. Im really sick of writing something like that. I wrote it in my journal, my blog for a umpteen times i guess. Gosh, really dont knw what you are thinking. You always make me feel so insecure and unsure. There's no one i can whine to but to this stupid blog of mine. I can never feel loved all the time. It all depends on your temperamental. You are so nice at times , so mean at times too. Ya ya ya, for how many donkey years i have been saying this. It's always the same. Im sick and tired of doing certain things .
Like im always so sure, I love you more than you love me. Im quite certain on this. DAmn it!!!!!I WANNA BE LOVED, NOT TO LOVE. MY FRUSTRATIONS AND ANGER WHO CAN UNDERSTAND!!! I wish some one would hit me hard on my head so that i can forget everything. FUCK IT%#%@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Evrytime i compare the past and present, my heart aches alot, cos i wonder is it your feelings have faded away or what.

2008-10-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

Okay.. I would like to say our relationship is like going thru a ride of roller coaster. Ups and Downs. Im not sure myself either whether my heart will take it anot. previously you are like so good to me, then sometimes mean. Like that day i have a bad stomachache was hoping you wil bring me to the doc but you didnt. If you are sick and how tired i am , i would still accompany you to the doc. I guess thats the difference abt me and you, Because i think thaty i love you for than you love me. And if it werent for the fact that im hanging on, i guess. you would have let go. SEriously, i dun even know whether im making you happy. I dont understand why sometimes you are so nice, then treat me like shit. Cant you Jus treat me good all the time? LIke what i do.. We have gone thru a really long way.I jus hope things will improve. You mean the world to me.
How do we maintaiin our relationship all the time?Im upset im really am, you dont even try to make me feel important. alrights;(

2008-09-24T00:29:00.000-07:00

猜不透
你最近時好時壞的沈默
我也不想去追問太多
讓試探為彼此的心上了鎖

猜不透
相處會比分開還寂寞
兩個人都只是得過且過
無法感受每次觸摸是真的是熱的

如果忽遠忽近的灑脫
是你要的自由
那我寧願回到一個人生活

如果忽冷忽熱的溫柔
是你的藉口
那我寧願對你從沒認真過

猜不透
相處會比分開還寂寞
兩個人都只是得過且過
無法感受每次觸摸是真的是熱的

如果忽遠忽近的灑脫
是你要的自由
那我寧願回到一個人生活

如果忽冷忽熱的溫柔
是你的藉口
那我寧願對你從沒認真過

如果忽遠忽近的灑脫
是你要的自由
那我寧願回到一個人生活

如果忽冷忽熱的溫柔
是你的藉口
那我寧願對你從沒認真過

到底這感覺誰對誰錯
我已不想追究
越是在乎的人越是猜不透

that day singing this song at the ktv with im with you, i felt like crying. It song sings out my feelings. Like i always cant catch what u are thinking. you treat warmly one moment, then so harsh the other moment. I admit im nt understanding at times. always throwing tantrums... Actually i still believe it takes two hands to clap. To keep a relationship takes alot of understanding to one another. It takes 1 person to give in, at various situatiom. But we are both unable to do that. We quarrel most of time. Because we are both sturborn. No matter what i love you always. Even if one day i finally have the courage to grant you ur wish, i'll still love you....

FUCK

2008-09-16T00:42:00.000-07:00

seriously im finding it hard to communicate with you. We are like quarrelling every single day. Im so sick of this alright. I dun know what u wan, i feel so insecure about this relationship.Im starting to think if all this is what i really want. Im so tired. Im feeling upset every single day.Feel sad. whats the point in a relationship like this?IM GETTING SUFFOCATED. rELationship is abt compromising. Give and take. I dun all this in our relationship. we are like tgr for 1 year 9 months plus. yet,all the unhappiness jus keep happening. tel me what shld i do. i've been thinking instead of being hurt while in this relationship, why dun i bear the hurt of leaving you? i wished i was so cool in letting go. what i lack is courage, and the dependant on him. As in my world revolves around him. Seriously im never his priorty. His priority are more like his friends, money and sleeping. i maybe jus a small part he is life. ENOUGH! IM SICK OF EVERYTHING!!!talking to him is pointless. Im so angry can. how many times i try to talk to you and u end up flaring and shutting me off? tel me what can i do? i always cry but u dun give a damn. Im so hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-28T05:33:00.000-07:00

my heart hurts so badly. I always got alot of tears. But this time round, it hurts so bad my tears has already dry out. Because the pain is too excruciating for me to take. When grand father pass away i too, have no tears.If i dun cry means it is too hurtful for me. The pain is undescricable. I know to you, you feel nothing at all. You feel like nothing's wrong. But do you know it hurts me real bad. I feel lost. I walk on the streets helplessly for 2 hours thinking of what should i do. I kept walking but i cant find the answer then i decided to go home.

A: YOu never go cambodia?
B:NO, next week.
A:CAn tahan not to see her?
B:(looking at me in a stunned way) my gf is here, so im already seeing her.
A; no reply

then me what does this means. you tell me you are talking abt me.Do you expect me to be a fool and believes you. how i wish i am a fool den i would believe you. but i believe based on my analyst, you are lying. Then why doesnt his friend reply anymore. Im tired. I have given u more than one chance. Tell me what should i do, i love you but i dun wan to leave you. I dun believe you, i cannot continue to be with you. COs its gonna hurt me for the rest of the days i will be with you. Maybe yesterday is the last anniversary we have together. The fact is I dun wan to leave you. But tell me what should i do. You wont be able to make up for my hurt. Only time can.

2008-08-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

what can i do, everytime u are faced with a problem, i never seem to be of any help to you at all. I feel so useless. Why cant solve any of ur problems. Actually by right i should be angry with you. Cos evrytime you are in a bad mood u vent it on me.But its okay. I will put up with all this. And is all because i love you. Do you know im willing to do anything for you? And if it withnin my means i'll give you all i can.i feel so upset. I jus wan you to be happy.

2008-08-25T02:01:00.001-07:00

Simple Plan Lyrics
Your Love Is A Lie Lyrics

2008-08-24T02:39:00.000-07:00

A heavy heart. A heart broken Girl.

an empty feeling an excrucitating pain.

2008-08-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

baby do you know that im always vry scared to lose you yet i wanna leave you at times. I wonder why am i always caught in such a dilema. I dun wan to lose you cos i need you in my life. Yet, all the obstacles and barriers we faced, make me think that im not fit to be your girlfriend. I know that i have no good strengths to begin with, only all the weaknesses i have. But you endure with it all the time. accepted my weakness with an open heart. all the wrong doings i have done, you gave in all the time. PLease continue to endure me. I promised not to do anything wrong anymore. I ever told you, without you in my life i dun know how to move on. I mean it, maybe it will take months for me to stand up of my feet with out you or never. Because you possess of a very important significance and value in my heart. Being with you i have the happiest moment of my life, because you are the only one who can bring laughters to my face, Being with you, i had the saddest moments, because you are the only one who can hurt me so bad, is because you are very important to me thats why you have the ability to affect me, and make my heart aches. whether is tears, laughter, happiness, or anger that you bring me, its because you are the only one who can affect me.

2008-08-06T04:01:00.000-07:00

im going away for a few days. Im going genting, but why dun i feel the least excited. I am not happy abt it. a feeling of emptiness fills my heart. maybe because his friends are going but i dun even know his friend. going with a bunch of strangers is wierd. haiz jus hope that i will not be neglected there. Hope can enjoy there PS: sorry mum cant be there for the gathering.=(

2008-08-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

After 1 and a half weeks of enjoyment, im going back to work again tmr. well, i gave it some thought. I think i have to move on. I have to go back to school and get a cert. I have to find a job that's different from this. I got to do something i really enjoy. I got to find back the passion for it again. Im exhausted perhaps. ANyway i've decided to put braces. i've made an appointment next tuesday at 2 pm. the main reason why i wanna put braces is you. I want to be ur pretty girl. Im sick of pple calling me bugs bunny ok. Its meant to be a joke or an amusement but i cant accept this type of Joke all my life. Besides, i really wan to be confident of my life, My biggest barrier of my confidence is my protruding teeth. so thats a big problem. so i have to move on. Anyway i have been thinking abt our relationship, i really want to find back my happiness. I dun wanna get hurt or always cry my heart out. Its miserable to love like that isnt it?

2008-07-28T08:54:00.001-07:00

2008-07-21T21:58:00.001-07:00

why am i treated like this over and over again? I feel so tired. Crying my heart out the whole entire night doesnt help in any way at all. Yet when i wake up there is only a feeling of emptiness. my eyes is swollen. why do we wan to love and hurt?and why we love that person then will we get hurt? I dun understand why am i being taken for granted all the time. I never for once felt appreciated before. I never felt important to him before. what exactly have i done wrong to deserve all this? I am always trying my best to suit to his needs. Being more mature,, being more sensible. When he was in cambodia, i really thought that when he comes back everything would be better. But look at how he treat me.am i jus so redudant? I wanted to let go of this relationship, i know by holding on i will only feel upset al the time. But how to let go? my mind is ony filled with all the wonderful things we do together.

2008-04-23T08:10:00.000-07:00

the more you love a person, the easier you are to be hurt by that person. and vice versa, the more you love that person, you may do things that hurt that person unknowingly. I love him very much. But it seem that ii always end up getting hurt.. what could be the reason? is it because i expect too much from this relationship. Or has evry thing changed because he said that i have changed alot. I admit i have changed. From a cheerful me, to a gloomy me.. I remember my days used to be filled with colours. BUt it seem kinda dull now.. is it sad? what causes a person to change? Enviroment? your social grp? the things you do? money?I admit i haven been really happy for the past few months.. but no matter hw i change my love for him will never change. There is how strong my love for him is.... I really want to change. Not for myself. But for him.. He doesnt need to always bear with my tantrum.. he tolerant it time and time.. but i always make him angry. I really hope there is a way to change my temper, my character.. what happen to my socialism towards people? and.. why am ii not nice anymore?i really want to be nice. I love him so much. Sometimes ii wondered if i had a choice to turn back the hands of time, will i stil choose to join this company? i realy dont know.. am ii really happy? the only hapy moments i have is when i am with him. And that we are not talking about work to make one another angry.. dear says that analyse too much thats y i am not happy. I guess he is right. I always belive in my theory. The ones who is truely happy are those who think simple.... but i guess to be really happy u must have a magnimous heart. which is 1 value i dont possesse. Come to think of it, when have i treated anyone nie before? I did in the past. Treat my friends very well. In the end, 8 years of friendship go down the drain like that.. actually friends are just like strangers.. they come and go. there is no true friend that wil stay with you for life?am ii right abt this state ment or is that true cases of ppl being best of friends since they are young till the bed of death? I realy want to improve. For him i am willing to do anything. I want him to be happy.... accept everyone with a open heart then will you be truely happy... stay strong....I love you i wil change for you..

2008-04-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

I decided to blog as ii am feeling unhappy. yesterday had a big fight with him again. He threaten to break up with me if i dun change my attutide. haiz. I have no choice but to accept. I really love him and ii really hate to be without him. How did things turn out like that anyway? what happened in between that become like that. I really miss the days we use to have. when two person is together, there has to be alot of give and take then the relationship will work out. I admit that i always give him alot of problems. But sometimes i am jus hoping he will cum concern me. But didnt know that he will only hate me more. my heart feel heavy. I knw i am a fool always begging him to stay. But i really love him. I really cannot do without him. I dun knw hw to survive without him ler. Im so use to having him. I guess i will break down completely. haiz.. i really hope things will have to. sometimes ii really wonder doesnt he hurts saying those things to me? but what he say will hurt me damn deep. at times ii dun knw hw to climb up. because i love him u so much ii really cannot live a life without you. i really want to change cos is ii simply love u too much. haiz..

imagine me without you

2008-03-03T21:29:00.001-08:00

JACI VELASQUEZ lyrics

2008-02-18T11:18:00.000-08:00

yesterday ii have alot of fun gg to wild wild wet(: Im sorry my dear. I keep saying want to be understanding and good to you but i kept failing. Thanks for accompanying me.. Just wanna say thank you for always putting up with my childish behavior and sometimes i jus throw a tantrum without a reason. But you have never complain. I am really sorry. Just wanna tel you i wil put in more effort to change.. Thannk you(:hey girls. Dun worry haven forget abt you guys.. Yesterday at swensens was unforgettable as well. you guys really gave me a big surprise...Just wanna say Thank you for this small surprises u guys have gave me.. It touched me deeply..Love ya guys(Doreen, GRacia) hey no matter what happens, i will stay by the both of u guys(: Doreen, we haf gone thru many thingd=s in our friendship, hope our friendship wil stay strong always=) and gracia, so happy to haf u as my gd sister..HugZzz...
Im actually at the com lab now.. im a good girl man. I went to school today..haha...woke up at 6.35am... but dillay dally till 7.15. so im late again!! had such a boring day.. First lesson, CHemistry.. couldnt make out what my chem teacher was toking abt..lol...The rest is alright larhs. haiz.. next 4 lesson wil be maths and history..zzzzzzzzz... hope time will pass fast. Im missing him=x..........................I gtg. The teacher say;" shut down the computer"...zzzz..going bk to boring lessons..

meaningless day at work

2008-02-15T19:46:00.000-08:00

me now in the office...zzz... sad to say ii didnt chu field tdy.. this is because nobody is working.. haiz..having money problems now.. need to pay handphone bill, school fees, and somemore i want put braces.. All this need alot of money.. anyway ii feel so sad. because he is moody but there is nothing ii can do to cheer him up. I knw he is vry sad and angry..hope u cheer up soon. when he is sad, it makes my day down as well.... keep on smiling(; anyway im so sleepy.. actually still alright wan.. But wait till im so sleepy..seem to make a wasted trip though.. stopped at aljunied.. But i think ii took the wrong bus.. and the bus wnt to yue han hse there.. then had to take another bus to office..well.. perhaps ii should jus go hm and sleep now.. but should i pop up his hse buy some food for him to cheer him up? only afraid he will be more angry to see me. I dun knw.. But i miss him=x maybe he wil be better after a good sleep.. alright. My day started out badly. anyway i gtg..

2008-02-15T03:29:00.000-08:00

people who think simple are the truly happy wants. SOmetimes ii feel that some people they think too much so they are not happy most of the times.. bEcos they tend to analysis too many things....their thinking are too complicated.. I am jus like that.. i feel i always think too much, thats y ii am never happy. someone ever tell me abt the fact that i am never really happy before..come to think of it, when was the last tym i was really happy... haiz.. anyway we haf moved our office to a buiding in macpherson called ONE TANNERY.. lol.. its so cool.. Ten times cooler than the previous wann lor.. zzzz... Having so much with scchool.. ARGHH.. ... these few days ii am really very unhappy.. haiz. hoping someone can cheer me up.. I want to be a good gf, i really want to. For that special somebody i love.. Cos i realize cherish this relationship(: WO AI NI!!!